Don't read this if you dislike melancholy, grief or other things having to do with death...
Sorry if this seems morbid, but for those who, like me, see this forum as a place that can include ways for hearts & souls to heal, I'd like to say that exactly this moment might very well be the exact moment 6 years ago when my father chose to end his life. At this moment, 6 years ago, I had known for just a couple of hours that my brother found his suicide letters but he might just still be alive...I was alone in a huge house in the South of France with my 4-year old daughter asleep, shifting my focus from the shock to the deepest prayers of my life. I lit a candle which burned all night, looked at photos, and tried to reach him. Finally, I fell asleep. Around lunchtime on the 14th, I didn't have to wonder anymore. (...This, by the way, was the beginning of my 12th house Pluto-on-my-Sun transit...)
A lot happened in the years since then.
But things have been coming up recently, bringing me back to thoughts about my Dad...including a thread here just yesterday/today, which made me realize I was also talking to myself & the grieving process that isn't yet over.
On a kind of sweet & optimistic note - the meaning of which only dawned on me later - today I finally ordered a sofa and a colorful new carpet for my living room which will beautifully match the painting my Dad left for me...a misty Asian mountain & monk scene... This event today is significant also because his death was the beginning of the end of my marriage//the beginning of coming alive again, and when I moved out of my ex-husband's house, I furnished my new home with my Dad's things.
One of my Dad's talents - ironically, beautifully, sadly - was to create cozy, inviting & nurturing "environments" as he called them, complete with gorgeous plants (he was an inventor & horticulturist) where people could comfortably gather for endless hours in deep discussion, laughter, communion. ...Beautiful, because these sitting environments in his homes were abundant, harmonious, inviting & cozy. A few in the garden, several in the house or apartment. Something different for every occasion & mood, or time of day ...Ironic & sad, because for the last years of his life, even though he continued to create these spaces, the people weren't really there and he no longer sought them out, though his longing was as strong as ever. We were living in separate countries.
So ordering the sofa & carpet today - finally choosing something that really reflects me...and him... is a wonderful way to honor his life & spirit, and to keep him near in a healthy, celebratory way. I will let go of some of his furniture now and make room for the new, yet with him in my heart all the same.
And I will invite people to gather here by candle light or by day, maybe with some red wine (which he loved) and tasty things to eat (ditto), soothing or energizing music playing, for meandering discussions, deep & shallow, laughter and that great feeling of togetherness.
I give thanks for the love my father & I have shared...for the creative, bright-minded & crazy energy that comes from his side of my family and which I now also see in my daughter...and I pray for blessings for his soul & spirit...
...and I send prayers to all whose hearts still ache from the loss of a loved one, with the wishes that all human beings may have the connections & community that make their hearts & souls vibrate with love & the feeling of belonging.
Grace.
A lot happened in the years since then.
But things have been coming up recently, bringing me back to thoughts about my Dad...including a thread here just yesterday/today, which made me realize I was also talking to myself & the grieving process that isn't yet over.
On a kind of sweet & optimistic note - the meaning of which only dawned on me later - today I finally ordered a sofa and a colorful new carpet for my living room which will beautifully match the painting my Dad left for me...a misty Asian mountain & monk scene... This event today is significant also because his death was the beginning of the end of my marriage//the beginning of coming alive again, and when I moved out of my ex-husband's house, I furnished my new home with my Dad's things.
One of my Dad's talents - ironically, beautifully, sadly - was to create cozy, inviting & nurturing "environments" as he called them, complete with gorgeous plants (he was an inventor & horticulturist) where people could comfortably gather for endless hours in deep discussion, laughter, communion. ...Beautiful, because these sitting environments in his homes were abundant, harmonious, inviting & cozy. A few in the garden, several in the house or apartment. Something different for every occasion & mood, or time of day ...Ironic & sad, because for the last years of his life, even though he continued to create these spaces, the people weren't really there and he no longer sought them out, though his longing was as strong as ever. We were living in separate countries.
So ordering the sofa & carpet today - finally choosing something that really reflects me...and him... is a wonderful way to honor his life & spirit, and to keep him near in a healthy, celebratory way. I will let go of some of his furniture now and make room for the new, yet with him in my heart all the same.
And I will invite people to gather here by candle light or by day, maybe with some red wine (which he loved) and tasty things to eat (ditto), soothing or energizing music playing, for meandering discussions, deep & shallow, laughter and that great feeling of togetherness.
I give thanks for the love my father & I have shared...for the creative, bright-minded & crazy energy that comes from his side of my family and which I now also see in my daughter...and I pray for blessings for his soul & spirit...
...and I send prayers to all whose hearts still ache from the loss of a loved one, with the wishes that all human beings may have the connections & community that make their hearts & souls vibrate with love & the feeling of belonging.
Grace.
Comment
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Comment by JacQueuf on July 16, 2009 at 2:31am - uve got this node thing on lock
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Comment by Ashley on July 15, 2009 at 8:25am - Ananda, you are such a beautiful soul....it is the deepest pains that help to create those places in us.. and I admire you greatly, my sister!! Sending honor to your father today...may he rest in peace, and look down on you, and see all the joy worth living for through your life.
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Comment by GangstaofLove on July 14, 2009 at 5:03am -
:'(
When I was 11 my cousin committed suicide. He was my idol and I always hoped to meet someone as special as he was. He loved me too and used to always show me off to all his friends when I was a kid. I think some people are too wonderful or sensitive to keep going. It's tough for sensitive people I know because I'm one of them but I keep a positive, optimistic attitude. And I love myself too much.
Theres something about family that keeps you tied to them no matter what. They are always there.
I also believe that people who are "gone" have more of an influence over our lives. They can do things for us that the World simply can't. Keep your spirits high about you. I didn't read the whole post cause I'm a bit "ADD" but I understand that I can't understand. If that makes any sense.
I hope you still have love and respect in your heart for him. I used to always hear people say in my family that suicide is stupid and selfish but when I was young I had a teacher who said that suicide takes a lot of courage to put behind everything that you know and are familiar with in order and accept an unknown destiny. When I was a kid and I heard my cousin died I said the same thing that he was stupid and that it was his fault but I think I said that to impress the grownups in my family and then I remember I ran off to a room and cried a lot.
I didn't even know him that well. But he was beautiful, smart, charming, and I thought he really loved me. Years later I kept trying to connect with him but he was a wall. He would not show any interest in me and he became reckless, mean, and rebellious. I wonder often who he is/was. He used to sleep in our house and when I would wake up in the morning I'd go looking for him but his motorcycle was gone and so was he.
I've dealt with the concept of death all my life and have major phobias ever since I was a baby of being left or abandoned by people. I wish they wouldn't leave.
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Comment by piscesgreen on July 14, 2009 at 12:26am - Ananda, peace to you. It sounds like you are moving through the grief and still embracing life in a thoughtful way. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us. :)
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